Who You Want To Be
by AlphaWolfOfRed67
Summary: Rick knew devastation. Has seen it, felt it countless times, but this, this was something he wasn't sure he could handle. Rick and Carl bonding! Missing scene if ya wanna see it that way. MAJOR SPOILER alert for new episode, "How its gotta be!" Do not read if ya haven't watched the episode. Ya been warned.


A/N: Sup guys. Before ya read, let me warn ya. MAJOR SPOILER ALERT FOR EPISODE "Hows it gotta be!" Do not read this if you haven't watched the new episode. You HAVE been warned. Now, I just gotta say, that episode was amazing but one hell of a shocker. This fic is cuz I hate having to wait two months for more an I want to see Rick and Carl talk an what not. Hope yall enjoy, will be two or three chapters!

Warning! SPOILER ALERT. Don't read if ya haven't watched episode "How its gotta be."

 _ **Disclaimer**_ \- I DO NOT own The Walking Dead! All rights to rightful owners! I am just burrowing em haha

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I've heard of hell flames. Colors of red and orange that climbed higher than that of buildings and burned hotter than the sun itself. They destroyed everything in their path. Dancing rays, they crackled and popped, swirled and rose, eating away whatever was unfortunate enough to turn to ash in their wake. Whatever fed their hunger and filled their lustful destruction. Something so deadly, as well as be so beautiful, played across my vision, halting my thoughts and movements. I'm pretty sure these were those hell flames. It was so surreal. The image of burning wood and suffocating smoke captivated the scene. The once lively and beautiful community now resembled that of a battle zone. It was a horrific sight, forever burning itself into my memory. It was one of those moments that would be unforgettable. One that would go down in history.

Sure, there was no soldiers with rifles or grenades, no battle cries to be carried throughout the growing night. Blood didn't paint every corner or the road and bodies weren't laid on the cold ground unmoving and mangled. Yet, it was similar. Even though I was sure our people got out and no one was one of those unfortunate soldiers to parish in the aftermath of a un-yielding blaze, the pit in my stomach was filled with uncertainty. So many things could go wrong, was going wrong, and if I knew one thing it was that there was always casualties. In this world, filled with the undead corpse and mad men trying to control the living, someone was bound to die. It was unavoidable. You were either strong or weak. Expendable or of some use. Dead or alive. There was no in between.

My body ached. My mind an equal throb to the pain pulsating in my tired limbs as I watched my home burn. Within a time span of ten minutes, everything I knew was being demolished. All the hard work put in to a safe place crumbling down. I had started to believe what we built was solid. That everything we done was for this, to finally have a home worth living for. A place where safety and security was finally ours. I believed that we could keep this place and live again. I put my faith in that. Now that faith was being distinguished as the fire consumed Alexandria.

My teeth clenched. My emotions hit a whole new level. Anger and sorrow swirled around, mixing with the several other feelings colliding inside me. Watching this, seeing how easy it is to destroy something you spent years building, to only come crashing down in a few minutes was hard. All because of him. Negan. The man that started it all, killed Glenn and Abraham. The man that didn't think twice to brutally beat them with a barbwire bat until nothing else left but pieces of flesh and puddles of drying blood. How could someone be so cruel? So monsterous.

My body was starting to feel heavy. The weight of a harsh reality and exhaustion mingling together as one. I wanted to stop. To just fall to the ground and sob. Not because I could feel every inch of my body tremble, but because I was physically and emotionally drained. The fight I had in me was almost completely dispelled but I knew I couldn't. Not in that instant. Alexandria may be gone but I still had something to fight for. The people of Alexandria. My baby sister. My dad. Michonne. I couldn't let them down. This horrible scene couldn't be for nothing. Negan was going to die. If not by my hand or Daryl's, then by my fathers.

Either way, he was going to pay for what he's done, for the lives he took.

I walked, or tried to. My movements were sluggish and slow. I could feel the tremors wracking my body, traveling up my spine in cold shivers. The strength was slowly leaving me. Sweat glistened on my skin, easily seen by the immense light bouncing around from the flames. The night air seemed to touch my wet skin, making it seem slightly cooler than it really was. I pushed my legs forward, determined to reach the underground tunnel. That's where everyone was. I needed to get to them, to make sure everyone made it there alive. I was hoping for it.

As I took cautious steps, Negan's voice seemed to penetrate past the deep fog in my mind. I recalled the small conversation between us.

 _"You wanna die?" Negan questioned, eyes boring into mine with interest and slight confusion, almost like he was contemplating my words._

 _"No. I..." My voice shook only slightly, "But, I will." A pause. "It's gonna happen. If me dying can stop this, make things different, for us. For you. For all those other kids, it would be worth it."_

 _I saw Negan's expression shift. His twisted smile transformed into a straight line. His dark eyes narrowed but they eyed me critically. The gears in his head probably turning, trying to understand my reasoning. I mean, willingly declaring to be killed wasn't something alot of people did. Then again, I was just a dead man walking. My life in the form of an hour glass, sprinkling away what little life I had left. I didn't expect Negan of all people to understand. He strived for violence. His way was kill or be killed. The type of person who was dangerous. The type that didn't care whether he took a life or not. To him, it was a means to an end. Yet, something unreadable passed through his eyes. I didn't know what it was. I didn't really care. The people I cared about was inches away from a man who wouldn't hesitate to permanently remove them all from the picture._

 _I tilted my head. "I mean, was this the plan?" I stated more than asked. "Was it suppose to be this way?" Is killing everyone who opposes you really the way? "Is this who you want to be?" Who I want to be, was my unsaid thought._

 _I didn't know whether I was really asking him or myself. I've made so many mistakes. Was I the man I wanted to become? Or was their more to what I could be that, now, Ill never get the chance to find out? My hands weren't clean. They were stained in an invisible scarlet, painted by the lives I had taken. I killed alot of walkers but my finger also pulled the trigger on those who weren't dead. It's not something I am proud of and I can't make excuses for what I have done. I can't count the bullets that I fired, the people that put down. Still, I liked to think that somehow I could find my own kind of redemption. To become someone better. To live up to those mistakes. In some ways, I was no better than him. I may have not been brutal, but I did spare those I killed._

 _Negan stared at me, face neutral, though my question seemed to have him thinking. His men stood with raised weapons, some pointed at me, others held up firmly in the air like a salute. They waited for a command as if Negan was some kind of king. I didn't know what he was planning, the darkness of night making it difficult to really see what kind of weapons were being pointed into the sky. I didn't want to know. The fear I felt for what might happen next was enough to tell me it wasn't anything good._

 _I didn't have long to wait. The moment I heard one of the guys talkies buzz then a woman's voice coming over the receiver telling them that the convoy was out I went into action. Daryl and the others provided the perfect distraction._

 _As I jumped back down to the ground, I heard Negan's gruff voice ring out. The annoyance painfully clear. "Was that just a play! I thought we were having a moment ya little asshole!"_

 _Then came the discharges and I started towards where I knew our people were._

By the time I reached the tunnel, I was panting fast and hard. I managed to evade two of Negan's cronies, thanking the smoke grenades for making it easier to step out of sight long enough to get under ground before they could notice. I sighed in relief the moment I watched through the metal lid that they turned and headed off in a different direction. They were completely oblivious to my position. Now that I knew I was no longer out in the open, the adrenaline wore off and I swayed where I stood. My arm automatically snaked around my torso, hugging against my skin. My hand lightly touched the area I knew the was anything but unscathed.


End file.
